"Language is for liquid that we're all dissolved in. Great for solving problems, after it creates a problem." -Modest Mouse
It's funny how the events in our lives are shaped by our words and actions. However, the irony of all this is that miscommunication seems to be the most prevalent theme embodied by us collectively as human beings. By some sort of recollection, if you will, one would find it hard to argue against the fact but beneath any irrational façade…the underlying message of all this would be that some things are better left unsaid. While anything else would be indicative of a lie, the perception of being closed minded only leads to limiting one's self to something we, otherwise, would have never known existed.
In order for a growth to occur, a change must be the prior result and after wrestling with a certain issue the past couple of weeks I've realized that sometimes the only thing standing in the way is pride; and as much as it goes against human nature to do so…the best thing to do is swallow it and move on. I think Fabolous said it best--"…It's ok to lose your pride over someone you love/Don't lose someone you love though over your pride/Stick wit'cha entrée and get over your side"--Words to live by, in deed, but my whole problem has been what most would call a "failure to communicate".
Over the years, I've found that it's been much easier for me to express myself through my writing than through anything I could say verbally so I kind of feel that there's a part of me that I really don't know about. Up until recently, I hadn't been called out on this particular character trait of mine but after someone holds up a proverbial mirror in front of you…you finally see things for yourself and the natural thing to do is to respond in a negative manner. What can I say? I have an icebox for a heart but for damn good reason. Sure, I give people the benefit of the doubt in most cases if not all, but the moment someone does something to hurt me…it's fuck you and I don't want nothing to do with you.
Blame my head, not my heart is what I've always maintained because it's hard to think straight when you let your emotions get the best of you. Lord knows I bit my tongue a lot especially with all the bullshit I had to go through while working at Video Warehouse (and now @...well, nevermind) and with some of the people that work there (hint: She's fake…and in more ways than one…think about it/as for where I'm @ now, he's fake too and all he does is kiss ass...think about it) but it is what it is. Sometimes you gotta call an ace an ace and a spade a spade and when I threw my cards on the table , I saw that I had been working with a bad hand for two years and it was time to reshuffle the deck and try my luck with a better hand. What goes around…/…comes around though and when that day comes I would love nothing more than to have a front row seat right along with all the other people you've [both] fucked over, but all that is in due time.
In hindsight, "the possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react" so none of the aforementioned is even a concern and has pretty much become an afterthought. More importantly, the subject at hand is the character analysis of Trimaine J. Irby and after a lot of self-reflection, I've sorted through all the things I need to work on in order to become a better person. The obvious being my inability to communicate my thoughts and feelings verbally rather than through my writing.
I wouldn't say I hide behind this particular medium as a defense mechanism but the more and more I continue to pick apart the social structure of my life, the more and more I'm finding this to be true. I have a really hard time in opening up and letting people in and the sad part of all this is that I have people I consider to be my closest friends, yet know nothing about me. It's a gift and a curse all at the same time and it's something I've carried with me for the [22] years that I've been on this earth. To ignore it any longer would be a mistake on my part because it means I would have missed out on the beauty of friendship but the "icebox" part of me is saying that I'm making things bigger then they really are. Whether this is true or not remains a mystery to me but until then…call it a work in progress.
"…I'm In repair"-John Mayer
0 comments:
Post a Comment