"It's funny how someone can break your heart, but you still manage to love them with all the little pieces."I'm not really sure why I'm choosing to write about this side of my growth, but it's been bothering the hell out of me the last couple of days so I guess it wouldn't hurt to let people in for a change in order to see a side of me that is rarely seen.
You see…I kind of have this problem with building up a "wall" of emotion if you could call it that. I'm not sure why, but I guess it's my way of preventing myself from getting hurt. So before I can even let things get that far, I use this proverbial wall as a defense mechanism.
To say that I've been hurt a lot in the past when it comes to friendships and/or relationships would be an understatement, but I'm starting to see that I bring a lot of it on myself and the hardest part is learning not to worry so much about things beyond your control. Rejection is an inevitable part of life and the sooner you realize the sad fact that trust is something that no longer holds value amongst a lot of the people in our society anymore, the sooner you'll be able to understand why it shouldn't be much of a surprise when people begin to turn their backs on you.
Point. Blank. Period. I don't trust anybody completely anymore, especially women. They too, like the seasons, tend to come and go and it's rare to find one who will value a friendship, relationship, or whatever. I feel like I'm more than good enough when it comes to being a potential friend and/or boyfriend and I try to be the best person that I can be but the moment you hurt me, it's like everything we built as a friendship and/or relationship was for nothing and I swear that I'm not the type that can just sit there and pretend that I'm cool with you and that I like you because I'm not.
...it's rare that I even give people a second chance either, but sometimes that's all some people really need. I've been in that boat a couple of times, as well, so I know what it feels like to burn bridges with someone you really care about and it seems like no matter what you do that you can never make up for the damage that's already been done. But, if you really are remorseful, then I've learned that the old adage of "actions speak louder than words" could not be any more true.
It takes a lot for someone to say sorry and mean it, but it takes even more for someone to forgive. I guess it all depends on the person though. I'm the type of person who takes everything to heart, yet will record a mental note of what people do to me so I don't make the same mistake twice in trusting someone who has already hurt me before. It's just funny though because the one's close to you seem to be the ones to hurt you the most and I'm learning to keep myself at a distance and to not be so open.
I'm not talking about anybody in particular with all this either, by the way, but if anybody takes any of this personal then so be it. If you're cool with me, then you're cool with me; but if we don't even talk and we used to, then it's probably because I smartened up and realized that what "friendship" we had at one time was one-sided and it was just a waste of time in fucking with you in the first place. I have better shit to do and more important matters to take care of…everything else is for the birds.
-xO
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