*†hê Èlêþhåñ† Ìñ †hê Rððm

“If you admire somebody you should gone ‘head and tell ‘em/People never get the flowers while they can still smell ‘em" -Kanye West

For anybody accustomed to my blogs, usually I’d have some drawn out, thought provoking introduction laid out that segued into whatever I was gonna be discussing but right now, I feel like I’m broken down to the point of realization that anger and pride is starting to get the best of me; and the more I fight it…the more I realize that the only person I’m truly hurting is myself. First and foremost, I’m not depressed or any shit like that so all those notions can be thrown out the window along with all the other bullshit people try to read into my blogs. I’ll admit, I use a lot of double entendres in my writing…trust me, they’re there…but I feel no need whatsoever to resort to double meanings in this cases because what I have to say is better left unfiltered. So, regardless of how some people may feel afterwards …take it personal for all I care, it’s nothing to me.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m stressing over the fact that some of the people I consider close to me are becoming more and more distant with every passing second of the clock, but what I would say is that the problem that lies therein is the fact that I knowingly have to convince myself that maintaining a friendship with so-and-so is the “right thing to do”. So much so that it’s almost to the point where it would seem selfish of me to ignore things for what they were and focus more on cleaning up all the clutter that abounds this misshapen frame of mind I seem to have taken on lately. Truthfully speaking, I could care less if things work themselves out but is it really worth it?--That’s the question that’s been back and forth through my mind and unparallel to what answer I’m “supposed” to want…I find it ironic in a sense to see things on a slightly different spectrum. Allow me to elaborate…

I realize that some of this may be disheartening to a few people considering what all we’ve been through but there comes a point where you realize that after dissecting the foundation on what your whole friendship, or relationship, is based on…the more you start to see things for what they really are. You see, for everything I’ve had to overcome, I’ve always felt the need to overcompensate and I’ve never understood why. For whatever reason, I allow my good spirited nature to get the best of me and, in doing so, I feel like the fact that I’m too nice can be a gift and a curse. For what it’s worth though, I guess it’s my fault and I acknowledge that wholeheartedly but, for once, I would love for things to just go right for a change. It seems like the more and more I press, the more distant I become from being happy and, really, isn’t that all we want out of life? To just be happy? Lord knows that’s all I want but it seems like it’s always been an uphill struggle for me.

I don’t mean to come off this way but my big heart will undoubtedly be my undoing. Why? Well, for so long I’ve always had a pension for wearing my heart on my sleeve and doing so leaves a lot of leeway for my emotions to get in the way. As much as I try to brush things off and pretend like a lot of shit doesn’t bother me, the more bottled up things become and it’s really not healthy to be that way. Therefore , I’ve often compared life (metaphorically) to a Rubik’s cube because it seems like the more I think I have things figured out, the sooner things start to fall apart. Truth be told, I’m not happy and haven’t been for quite some time now but part of that can be attributed to circumstance. Regardless, I understand things happen for a reason and that some are less fortunate than others but there comes a point where settling for average is no longer sufficient. Besides, so many people scrape by with the bare minimum in life and in just looking at everything around me, I’ve come to realize that complacency is something I really don’t want to strive for.

Plain and simple, I’m sick of making excuses. I’ve done so for far too long and instead of settling, I’d much rather make an effort then to be left wondering “what if?”. Too often, people get caught up in putting things off until tomorrow (including myself) and in doing so, we run the risk of never reaching our maximum potential. Dreams become deferred over time and things we once held of the utmost importance just seem trivial. That being said, I’ve reached a point in my life where things I want to happen, haven’t happened yet and the only person I can blame is me. Sure, part of it could be my reluctance to take chances but sometimes, making a move isn’t always in the best interest of the individual(s) involved. So much meticulous thought and careful planning goes into every decision I have to make and you know what? That’s what I call playing it safe. For once, I would love to just live carefree and go with the flow, so to speak, but I’ve found that I’m my own worst enemy. Would I love to be her knight in shining armor? Of course, but sometimes I really have to ask myself, is it really worth the fite? Excuse me, f-i-g-h-t. (Not that I’m lazy or anything but hitting backspace would be a waste of time and everything is flowing so smoothly, don’t you agree?).

Anyway, I guess all I can really do is lock away these feelings for now and look at it as a work in progress. For every one step forward, a subsequent step back seems to always follow and until I’m willing to get out of my own way, I fear things will never change. Besides, “If I was a perfect person, I would say I have found my soul mate. If I knew what love was I would say I have found the one. Since I don’t, I’m saying, one day, I’ll find the girl I want to spend today with . . . And maybe even tomorrow.” Then again, maybe I already have. . .